Homesick

It’s a fleeting feeling, comes and goes

The panic fills my bones 

“What have I done???”

I beg god to go back in time

Then before I know it I’m brought back to life

God dammit I wanted nothing more than to be his wife 

I wanted nothing fucking more, nothing fucking less

I just keep telling myself it was for the best 

And deep down I think that’s what I believe

But I’m really good at being naive.

He says I am in the right, he’s quick to admit defeat

I can’t help but wonder is he trying to be humble or is he hiding something from me? 

I always give people the benefit of the doubt 

It has always burnt me out.

My transparency tends to not be mirrored 

Maybe my brain operates in the wrong gear.

God dammit I’m tortured by the silent echoes of his laugh

And watching his cheeks rise when he smiles like that 

I’m haunted by my memories, so fucking vivid they are

I see him everywhere, my bed, the kitchen, the car

I can still feel his body intertwined in mine 

My head rested on his chest at night

My arm laid across his waist

His voice saying my name

Watching him watching his favorite game 

His presence would make all the bad go away 

And god dammit now I keep daydreaming of a day

When I get it all back 

And then it hits me why it had to be this way 

Small reminders that things were not okay 

The thoughts vomit through my brain:

Is who I am, even someone he liked?

It feels like so much of me are things he just doesn’t like.

Can he actually hear me, not just what I say?

Is he able to put his defensiveness away?

It’s how he’s survived, but I can’t succumb 

To those deeps wounds, I’m all too familiar 

They are extremely hard to overcome 

Can he understand me? Am I too much?

I’m overwhelming…a lot and such 

I ask too many questions, but it’s only because I care

Would we ever be able to meet in the middle for what’s fair? 

It feels like my interest in his stuff was never enough

Even though I still love much of what he showed me

What if all of it doesn’t mean as much to him as it did to me?

Will I always be a co-pilot without a co-pilot? 

Of all the things that broke me, will it go back to being so fucking silent? 

I can’t stand the pain of that invisible violence

It’s being surrounded but feeling alone

It takes the safety away from the peace of feeling at home

But god dammit the way he’d make me feel so safe

And how fucking beautiful he was when he’d show me his brain 

How soft his lips would hug mine 

Nothing and I mean nothing has ever felt so fucking right

Waking up to see him asleep in the middle of the night 

He healed so much of my battered heart 

I’ll always see him as living art 

My love could never be extinguished

But could it ever be rekindled without either one of us getting burned?

For that I don’t have an answer, I barely have these words.